Redefining Pleasing
By Stephanie Roth, The Relationship Maven
As women, many of us have been taught that pleasing others is what makes a good daughter, wife, and person. While we all want to be helpful, when we please others at the expense of ourselves, it’s like they said at that space shuttle launch: “Houston, we have a problem.”
If we go overboard with pleasing, it leads to suppressing our feelings, which leads to resentment, which leads to breakdowns in communication and pretty much everything else. It may also brand you as a push-over, the one everyone goes to when they need something because they know you never refuse.
If this sounds like you, it’s time to retrain yourself and strengthen your backbone! Here are some tips to avoid over-pleasing:
Check in with how you feel?You have a terrific inner guidance system built into your body. Use it. Do a self-check to see what “yes” and “no” feel like. Close your eyes and think 2+2=4. That’s a yes. Now think 3+5=10. That’s a no. Once you have those down, check inside when someone makes a request. Does it feel good? Yucky? Follow your inner guidance.
Use muscle testing?If you feel uneasy with your inner guidance, here’s a more tangible strategy. Put your thumb and forefinger together to form an “O” and hold them together with some pressure. Take the forefinger of your other hand and use it to try to “break” the circle. If you succeed, that’s a no. If your fingers stay together, that’s a yes. I use this all the time to help me make decisions, whether it’s what to order in a restaurant or whether to turn left at the next intersection.
Practice saying no?There is a great scene in the movie 27 Dresses where James Marsden gets Katherine Heigl to practice saying no. Practice where it doesn’t matter—in a restaurant, a store, with people who call and try to sell you things you don’t want. The next time someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do, it will be easier to say no.
Have an opinion?When someone asks you where you’d like to go for dinner, do you say “Wherever you want?” Where would you go if you were going alone? Stop saying “It doesn’t matter.” Maybe it doesn’t, but having an opinion stretches other muscles as well.
None of this has to be mean. You can be a nice person and still say no. And it’s fine to say yes if you really want to do it. But whether it’s your kids asking you to drive them somewhere, your husband asking him to go out of your way to pick up the dry cleaning, your boss asking you to stay late when your child has a soccer game, or your sister making yet another demand, you have a right to say no. And guess what? They will still love you! If they don’t, they were just using you anyway, so that’s no loss, is it?
Stephanie Roth helps people learn to speak the truth and ask for what they want. As The Relationship Maven, she works with individuals, couples, families, and businesses to teach them better ways to communicate. She is also a motivational speaker and trainer. www.leapfrogconnections.com